By Crystal Richardson, BSP, MSC, PLPC – DV Survivor
Domestic Violence Awareness Month gives us a moment each year to shed light on an issue that too often remains hidden. As both a therapist and a survivor, I share my experience to help others better understand the realities of domestic violence (DV), the fear that keeps victims trapped, and the hope that can be found on the other side of healing.
Before we continue, a gentle content warning: this article includes references to trauma and abuse. Each year, I speak out about domestic violence (DV) to help those who have no experience with the topic understand the victims and survivors, the severity of the situation and the lasting effects of DV. This year I met with healthcare professionals and church leaders at Apostolic Church of Jesus Christ. In the past, I have spoken to the public at churches and college campuses. I like to engage the individuals I meet in these events in developing understanding about DV, as without understanding and discussion the situation will not end. It thrives in darkness and silence behind closed doors.
Understanding the Shock of Abuse
*Trigger warning for those with significant trauma in their past.
Think for a moment about the person you feel the safest with who makes you feel the love in their heart, makes you feel special, and who you have no reason to doubt their intentions toward you. Feel that warm loving feeling? Sit in that feeling for a full minute. Now, imagine that person gets instantly mad for unknown reasons and grabs you by the neck and holds you to a wall, or the back of a couch or chair. Feel that shock and fear? That is what a domestic violence victim feels when they are attacked physically. They are groomed to believe that the abuser loves them, that they are safe and suddenly they are told they are worthless and harmed.As you may have felt in that visualization exercise, no one wants to be or is okay with being harmed. The abusers weaponize that fear to take control. The fear is why victims stay.
Abusers will threaten their children, family, friends, co-workers, and anyone else that the victim cares about – including their pets. Abusers use those fears to threaten others to control the victim. After all, if they harmed the victim, what is there to make the victim believe the threats against those the victim loves are any less credible?
Life After Leaving can be Intimidating & Abuse Doesn’t Stop as the Victim Walks Over the Threshold as a Survivor
I have been out of that house for 21 years now, and the abuse finally stopped 11 years ago. The 10 years that followed our leaving the abuser were filled with retaliation from the abuser, his family, and his girlfriend. This retroactive abuse can drag on in custody battles, harassment and stalking beyond the victims leaving whether directly by the abuser, through their family members, friends, and new significant others.
There are quite a few more resources now that were not available then. At the time that we left, shelters in Texas were turning away approximately 3,500 victims per year due to lacking placement as they were at capacity.
I was lucky enough to have parents with a recently vacated rental property that allowed me to take over that space. At the time we left, if a victim had children, when they leave the abuser and they couldn’t be place in a shelter in Texas, the victims faced the fear of losing their children to foster care, and they must take parenting courses to prove to family court that they can be protective enough to keep the abuser away from themselves and the children. The survivors have a short amount of time to find a home, transportation, and a steady job to retain their children. (Knowledge of this fear is another way the abusers will prey on by telling the victims, “You can’t do it alone and you’ll lose the children.” The abuser will even manipulate people they know to call in reports to CPS against the victims.)
My situation slowly and steadily got better over time. My kids and I got to a safe place, and over time we thrived. It just took time.
There Is Hope
I did say there is hope for survivors. I can show myself as an example. After leaving and surviving the aftermath of the abuse, I have put myself through school, graduated with bachelor’s in psychology, a master’s in clinical counseling and I am now a Pre-Licensed Professional Counselor (PLPC) working on my hours to get my License Professional Counselor (LPC) licensure. I graduated with a 3.88 GPA and brought my GPA up from a 2.17 in the process. There is hope! The key is to see it, and keep that hope in your focus, even in the hard moments. Life can be happy again, not just survival. Do not give up!
My children grew up to be healthy, productive, and happy adults. They all graduated from high school with good GPAs and took their own paths.
It took time, therapy, and a fresh start. The oldest has a family of his own now, is a good dad and is a supervisor in his career. My middle child is in a healthy relationship and went military as his career. My youngest is thriving in his field in management.
How I Moved Forward to Help Others
The roadblock I found for so many, me included, was that many providers were only available during standard business hours. During school I planned to do things a little differently. I am now a therapist that has availability in the evenings and on Saturdays to help busy families and individuals with busy schedules, so therapy is an option.
As I said earlier, I am also an advocate speaker. I accept speaking engagements each year in October for domestic violence awareness month. I blend my experience with facts and statistics to educate others about DV to break down the barriers through understanding from the inside out. My goal is to help normalize the conversation by removing stigmas about the victims/ survivors. Shedding light on the truth is the only way to make this goal happen.
If you would like to meet with me. Please reach out. I am happy to help in any way I can.
I have availability to help those surviving and struggling to work through trauma, grief, anxiety, depression, PTSD, CPTSD and surviving one or all the above – I am here! My internship was with a local DV shelter, and I now work within a private practice. I work with adults, teens, preteens, and some children. I do my best to help those I work with to learn ways to cope with situations that affect daily life.
If you are looking for an advocate speaker for a DV school assembly, church meeting, awareness event or psychoeducational event – I am your girl! I have a passion to educate others on the truth and encourage questions at the end of my presentations. I like to have the difficult conversations that bring understanding. DV thrives in silence, and darkness behind closed doors. Let us open the doors and break the silence!
I look forward to meeting with you in whichever capacity is needed.
I can be reached directly by phone, and email. Appointments can also be booked with our admin through the main phone line:
Crystal Richardson, Survivor, BSP, MSC, PLPC Therapist
Therapist at Metis Counseling
Main: 816-399-4204
Direct: 816-399-4204 extension 24
https://www.metiscounseling.com
ccrichardson.73@gmail.com